would you just look at that

I've had rather a sense of deja vu today.

This afternoon I picked up my thesis and handed it in for the final time. It felt rather different to when I handed it in the first time. I didn't have the same sense of 'good riddance!', more a sense of tying up loose ends, which is much more satisfying.

Of course, I was met with rather a lot of bureaucratic nonsense and form-filling that left me so frustrated and feeling so flat that I just *had* to go to the museum cafe, and then couldn't help but burst into tears when they told us they were closing... But, you know, it's been an emotional day!

Still, I'm smiling again now, and as I went looking for that blog post about handing the thesis in the first time round, I ended up ambling through a whole load of other posts about the PhD too. It's actually quite interesting to have your life compartmentalised according to little blog post tags, and I rather laughed at some of the stuff I came across.

For a start, I sounded every so sensible after I was told I'd need to spend another year writing. I'm sure I've done a whole load more childish tantrum throwing in the months since then! And I found this cheery post, about what I was going to do after the PhD, which set me all to thinking about what I *was* doing after the PhD, and how I really want to sit down and think about some nice shiney new goals for the coming months.

Out of those goals I wrote back in August 2009, it's nice to see I've actually achieved a few. I've got a lovely new job, which uses the PhD, and is fabulous and interesting and worthwhile. I was 2 days a week for a while, and now it's full time, which I said back then I didn't want, but which has its advantages, especially since it's only temporary. I've written on this blog a little more, although I'm not sure I can say it's been consistent or regular just yet.

Oh, and there's a mention of those trapeze lessons again...

One thing I've been planning to do for a while, but don't think I've mentioned yet, is this course. Entirely frivolous and unnecessary, but what fun! And really, after the last 7 years, I'm very much feeling in need of a few weeks of 'living 'meditation' of presence, aliveness and cheery connection'.

weekending

Mmm, tasty scones. And a lovely new cake stand, that up to now has only held toy cars. Obviously that had to be rectified, and a visit from Peter's sister seemed as good an excuse as any to fill it up. In fact, Peter made these scones - he is a most excellent scone-maker indeed, and the were very tasty.

A week of mostly work here, and most of the time I've been at home has been in the dark, so mostly no photos. But things are ticking along nicely, lists are being crossed off, goals are being met, sewing is slowly getting done, money is being put to good use, the PhD is being worked on, voluntary projects are underway, running shoes are regularly being used, and jobs are being applied for (and I have an interview next week, yes, an interview! But don't tell anyone, I'm trying not to get too excited...).

Writing that I've realised I haven't yet done a post about goals for the year - and in some ways it seems rather dry to just list them! But I'll post soon about the kinds of goals I have, and the way I'm going about making sure they're getting achieved.

But first, a cup of tea and a scone, I think.

Although perhaps before that, I should deal with the product of yesterday afternoon's rainy jaunt to the stables...

Saturday pondering

Well, we finished off those tasty buns for breakfast in bed this morning, a tranquil start to a busy day. They were just right, and I'm glad we didn't give into temptation and eat them all yesterday... 

Today's been a bit of an all-over-the-place day. I'm writing, writing, writing at the minute. Or rather, trying to... Isn't it funny all the little games you play with yourself to make things exciting? (or is that just me??). Last night I scheduled out an entire itinerary for today, as if I was at some kind of event, with specific time slots for work, divided into specific activities for each slot. There was time for gardening (including reading a gardening book...), time for a bit of house keeping (yes, it does happen occasionally round here, increasingly often), and time for writing a thoughtful and considered blog post at the end of it all (hmm...). 

Well, I pretty much stuck to it. It was actually nice having that piece of paper telling me what to do. I got in a nice walk this morning to water a friend's green house plants, being horrified when I got there that I had ONLY watered the greenhouse the other day, and hadn't done the pots in the front garden, which were all dried up and looking incredibly thirsty... I'll offer to replace those if they haven't perked up by tomorrow! Lesson learned about slowing down and paying more attention... 

I've spent a lot of time sitting in the garden, working, eating, reading, drinking tea. I love these old green glasses, they make me feel like a princess drinking out of a goblet :) 

And I spent a lot of time sitting on the concrete path of the garden, writing and staring...

I'm finding it so difficult to concentrate on finishing this PhD. It's just not where I want to be any more. Well, not right now, I can see that with six months distance from it I might feel differently! :) 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I want life to look like afterwards. After all, I've been doing this for six years, full time, and while I've also been working two days a week for most of the last two years, other than that I've had quite a lot of freedom. No set office hours, being able to work at home in my nightie, taking the laptop to a cafe, or a pub, or a field. I've met some wonderful, wonderful people, from all over the world, who I treasure dearly, and will keep in touch with. I've had opportunities I would never have had otherwise, I travelled on the Orient Express from Paris to Vienna, stayed in Denmark for three weeks, visited Stockholm, London many times, Austria, Sweden, Norway... 

And I've learned a lot about myself along the way too. I've moved house three times during the last six years, been in two different (very different) relationships, got an allotment and given it up, paid off the credit card I ran up with work expenses, which just then wouldn't go away, worked three jobs on top of the PhD - all at once for a while! Things change - I used to work better in the mornings, these days I don't seem to be able to get going til 3pm.  I've learned I don't deal very well with a huge project hanging over my head that I can't switch off and forget about. Often I switch off all to easily, and the wrong moments... 

I don't want to spend any more of my days staring at a computer screen. Oh, I don't mind a little bit of that... :) But not all day, every day. I don't want to be constantly worrying about something every time I leave work for the evening. I do not want to work for someone else five days a week. I want to spend time with my hands in flour, warm water, soil, in that order ;) 

When I started this blog on Boxing Day last year, I think I thought it'd be a place to put photos of the garden as I gradually tamed it as a place to sit, eat, and grow. I thought I'd look at it, and probably Peter, and maybe my mother. Well, Peter reads every entry I write, and so does my mother :) And I've picked up a few other people along the way too, which I'm thoroughly grateful for. 

One of the unexpected things that happened was that I wanted to do things so I could put photos up here. Perhaps not the right reason, you might think! But really, it's ok. It made me stop staring at the computer for an hour and do some knitting, sewing, baking, gardening, or whatever for a while instead. It made me decide to have a go at making all the presents I give this year. It made me start soaking dried beans instead of buying tinned, making my own yogurt, making soap, stop using shampoo (more on this another time...), and see my home more as somewhere to be, rather than somewhere to live. To see that they're the same thing. 

I've spent plenty of time reading other people's blogs, and learned so much from them. I'm just not sure how much I would have made the effort to put some of those things into practice right now, with everything else so busy, if I didn't have my own little corner of the blogging world. I think mostly, I've learned so much from Rhonda's blog, where she's got fabulous tutorials on making soap, yogurt, and just about everything else. Rhonda, I've read your posts on time management over and over and over these past few weeks, and I try to put some of the things in practice. Isn't it wonderful how you 'meet' all these people you never would get in contact with otherwise?? I'm trying to add slowly to my blog reading sidebar thing, I have no idea what the etiquette of these things is, so be patient!

Anyway, this post wasn't meant to be about how much I love having a cheery little blog, or how much I love other people's blogs. It was meant to be about how I've decided on a few things to prioritise over the next few months. In the next month - finish the phd (tough one, that!), without going completely bonkers and neglecting everything and everyone else in my life. Make sure I get enough exercise, and it's all going to be walking at the minute rather than anything more strenuous. And I think we'll be trying to make more of a shift towards organic/local food in the coming weeks, we'll see. 

Before Christmas? Because that's always a nice end point for some goals :) I'd like a new job, please :) Two or three days a week, with maybe another day volunteering somewhere cheery (I've got my eye on a few places). It'd be nice to use the PhD, of course, or at least some of what I've learned! But I don't want to, and don't need to, work full time doing that (and yes, I do consider myself lucky), so we'll see what turns up. I'd like to start writing on this blog consistently and regularly. Oh, and trapeze lessons. Yes, trapeze lessons, because that's what I promised myself as a do-something-completely-different-present when the PhD was finished. I might only have one, I'm not a huge fan of heights, but I have to have a go... 

So, there we have it. A huge waffly blog post full of appreciation for most things, slightly less appreciation for others (ahem, PhD, ahem), and a few goals to be keeping us going. And a nice picture of the view from the concrete path this afternoon...